Nothing in this world can prepare a parent to hear that
their child is no longer alive. Nothing
will ever be the same after that. You change,
everyone around you changes, and you’re left with pieces of your life that no
longer fit or make sense. Time moves
slowly, and the pain gets too hard to handle at times. We don’t know why God chose to take our
child, and we will never know the answer; we can only hope and pray that God
has a plan for us and that he will grant us our soul’s deepest desires.
There are some memories I want to forget and others are engraved
in my head, replaying in my mind like a TV show re-runs. I do clearly remember the day I found out I
was pregnant. It was New Years Eve 2011,
and I just returned home from being in Toronto for Christmas. I took the test and could not believe the
result. My husband was home at the time
as well and I shared the news with him.
He smiled his shy smile and looked at me with an innocent look. We hugged, hugged some more; we were extremely
excited.
A week after I found out I was pregnant I begun spotting and
went to the clinic right away to find out what was happening. I was immediately sent to have an ultrasound. My heart tore when the technician could not
locate the sac or the heartbeat…. I felt devastated and cried in the ultrasound
room. I was told that a radiologist needed
to read the results and was sent back to see my doctor. The wait was excruciating, I remember being so
worried and crying all evening. In those
short 6 days I learned to love this little person growing inside me more than
anything. I was heartbroken. When we didn’t hear back from the doctor we
begun worrying and called the office. He advised us to go to the emergency room
since the results of the ultrasound were not going to come in till the morning
and he wanted to make sure I wasn’t having an ectopic pregnancy. We rushed to the hospital and spend nearly all
night there and found out very little.
They told us to come back the following day to have another
ultrasound. The next day I had the
ultrasound done in the hospital and we waited again for the results. When the doctor pulled us in to the exam room
to tell us the results, my heart was beating very hard; ready to jump out of my
chest. Then to our delight, the doctor
said that they located the sac, that the baby is inside, and they think that
everything is fine. The reason they
couldn’t find a heartbeat was because I had my dates all wrong and I wasn’t as
far along as I thought. I remember hearing
the news and feeling the heavy pain leaving my chest and falling to the ground. I was happy again and full of joy, that our
little baby was fine and I had nothing to worry about. They never gave me a reason why I was
spotting, but apparently it’s quite normal in early pregnancy.
During my follow up ultrasound a few weeks after, I was able
to see the baby, and see the heartbeat; 152 beats per minute, a strong and
healthy heart. That day I was given a
picture of my little child which I treasure so much; it’s one of my only physical
reminders that she was here with us. For
the next five weeks things progressed well, I felt great; I had no morning
sickness and other than sleeping all the time things were moving along! Then on March 9th at nearly 14 weeks I
started spotting again. I went to the doctor
the following day and she could not locate the heartbeat. I remember lying there on the cold bed and
the time moved in a slow motion. The
doctor’s efforts to find the heartbeat seemed like hours and the wait seemed agonizing
and I prayed “God, please make me hear the heartbeat”. The tears streamed down my face. I knew that things weren’t right, even though
my husband kept on assuring me that things will be alright. I wanted to believe him. While my husband had to go back to work I
waited for my ultrasound later in the day.
I remember being in that ultrasound room all alone and completely scared. Then I heard the devastating news…”we can
only see the tissues, there is no baby anymore”… I went into shock… I took in
the message, asked a few questions and completely broke down in the
office. I was so mad and angry and so
sad that I lost my precious child. My
world simply ended and I was left with a hole in my heart that no one else can
fill except my child.
Words can’t explain the pain a mother feels when she hears
her child has died. I wanted to crawl
out of my own body and not be me. There
was nothing I could do to save my child; it was too late, it was over.
Nothing prepares a grieving mother for the long lifetime journey
that lies ahead of her. The physical pain
of losing a child is so incredible. I
never knew that the pain of heartbreak can be excruciating emotionally but as
well as physically. Your heart physically
hurts! I never knew so much sadness and emptiness. I will never be the same and yet life
continues the same way as it used to before my child has died. As the days now turn in into weeks and
months, I’m trying to come to grip with everything… losing a child, getting
over the hurt, the anger and all the hopes and dreams I had for her. I always thought she was a girl, so we named
her Hope. Hope to give us encouragement
for the future, hope for better days to come, and hope that God has an amazing
plan for us.
I’m always reminiscing the day I had my follow up ultrasound
and got to see my child’s heartbeat. It was
truly the happiest moment in my life. I kept the picture in a frame from
that date on in late January not knowing that I’ll never see her again.
I’m finding comfort in looking at the picture and knowing that our baby
existed, no matter how small, her little feet made a huge imprint on our lives.
I’m also comforted by the fact that our baby will feel no pain or struggles of
this world and is surrounded by something much greater we can’t even
imagine. Even though we won’t get to hold her in this world, we know we
will hold her in heaven.
I often look to the sky and speak her name. Every day I wish her good morning, and a good
night. She’s always with me whenever I go. I miss her beyond words.
~Agata~
No comments:
Post a Comment