Right where I am 2012: June 10th 2012

Right where I am 2012:  June 10^th 2012

This is right where I am.  It’s been exactly three months, since I lost my precious child; almost as long as she existed.  It’s amazing how strong love can grow for a child who was only here for such a short time.  For me, the love started the second I knew of her existence.  There was no turning back.  This child was mine and she will always be with me; in my heart.  She took a piece of my heart but I’ve gained the best gift of all, I gained the gift of eternal Love.  Love I never imagined I can have.  I am so sad I cannot hold her in this world, but I know I will hold her one day in heaven.  It has been and still is a very difficult journey and although there are some days that contain a sparkling light of hope, there are also those days that drown me under and I am numb again.  Every day is a routine I perfectly choreographed to get me through to the next day.  This is a glimpse into a typical day of my existence without my child.  

I wake up in the morning; I no longer think that everything that happened was just a dream.  I know it wasn’t and there is no way I could convince myself otherwise.  I had to accept it.  I think of Hope.  My precious child… tears stream down my face.  I thank God for bringing her to my life for even such a short time.  I wish her a good morning and I go on.  

On my way to work I put on my headphones as I walk to the bus.  I find healing in music and I whenever I hear different songs, they remind me of a certain stage in my life.  Today and for a very long time now I have been playing over and over the same three songs.  First of them being Adele “Make You Feel My Love” with the words “I’d go to the ends of the Earth for you, to make me feel my love”, second is Florence + the Machine “Never Let Me Go” with the lyrics “Though the pressure's hard to take, It's the only way I can escape, It seems a heavy choice to make, Now I am under… Never let me go” and lastly Lindell Cooley “I need You More” with the words “I need you more, More than the air I breathe More than the song I sing More than the next heartbeat More than anything” Typically this song is stuck in my head all day long and no matter what I’m doing I sing it over and over in my mind.  This is all you’ll hear me listening to these days.  I close my eyes and I go on.

I get to work and a sweet picture of a butterfly drawn in the sand with Hope’s name is awaits me at my desk.  Whenever I feel sad, tired, or too busy with everyday hassle, a sight of the picture calms me down.  It’s a reminder that nothing else in this word matters or is as important as my family. 

The morning goes by and lunch time arrives.  I eat quickly in order to get to a church to pray my daily rosary.  It’s the only half hour in my day where I can completely calm down and lay out all my worries, anxieties, and fears with often tears streaming down my face.  I pray for everybody who has ever lost a child, and who’s struggling with infertility, and I pray that God will hear all our hearts desires and grant us whatever we long for in this world.

The afternoon goes by quickly and I’m back on the bus with my three favorite songs replaying like a broken record player.

I get home and open up a book to read.  I recently read “Heaven is for Real” by Todd Burpo, and “Growing up in Heaven” by James Van Praagh.  These books give a glimpse of what it might be like to be in heaven, and what our children do while they’re there.  From what I read so far, I find great joy in knowing that my child is in a better place.  A place with no sin, no struggles, she’s free to do whatever she wants.  And most importantly she’s with Jesus.  What a wonderful though that is.  I picture her playing with the other children who left this world too early.  After I lost my child, I have read many books to help me get through the grief and just recently I noticed that my collection of “grief” books has surpassed that of my “pregnancy” books.  It’s a sad thought… all of the books are lined up on one shelve; on one side are all my pregnancy books and on other side are my grief books.  No parent should ever have a collection of Child Loss books.   How could this world be so cruel?

I try not to think of all the pregnant women I seem to see everywhere, especially the ones that smoke on their lunch break with their obvious 7 month bellies.  It makes me so very angry.  I would have been almost 7 months by now.

I go outside to water the outdoor plants.  The nice weather is a nice change from the cold wintery days I remember back when I was pregnant.  I pick out the nicest flowers and take them home with me to put them beside the only picture I have of Hope.  Mommy always brings fresh flowers for her precious child.  It’s the only thing I could really do for her.  Today I brought her flowers of a plant called “bleeding heart” My heart bleeds for my child at this moment. 

Evening approaches and I prepare candles to burn beside my child’s picture.  The vision of the light brings me a calm feeling and a vision my child being surrounded by everlasting light.  I stand by the photo and say a few words to her…tears stream down my face. 

So this is me.  Three months after my loss and I’m still in a survival mode.  Every day is a struggle and although some days are better than others, I still have more bad days than good ones.  I don’t know how long this will last, or how much more I can handle, and no matter what is happening in my day, every day begins and ends the same way and I simply go on.

And this is what is it to be me, right where I am on this June 10^th 2012. 

My hopes for the upcoming year are to have brighter days, more happy moments, and more hopeful and joyful thoughts.  I am completely different today than I was 7 months ago.  I’m less outgoing, more shy and more reserved.  I take more time to enjoy the small moment, because that is all that matters in this life.  I don’t take things seriously and I don’t look at the world the same way.  I lost a child.  My memories are all I have of her, and she’s got a piece of my heart which will always long for her.  Until we meet again, Oh what a wonderful day that will be.  

~Agata~